My Spiritual Journey – Growth, Discovery & Creating a Spiritual Life
This is my personal story of growth, discovery, healing and finding fulfillment in a spiritual life. It’s an ever-evolving journey.
It’s somewhat vulnerable to share this, but I’m comfortable enough in my own journey now to put this into the world. In fact, I feel called to do it, so as per usual these days, I’m following my intuition. I hope this becomes a mainstay of the MMM blog, and in whatever unique ways, perhaps it will speak to you.
From right here, this is about a 12-15 minute read. Thanks for taking the time to tune in to my story. 💖
In this entry, I trace some of my spiritual experiences and perceptions from childhood to the present day. Through this storytelling, I aim to be non-judgmental to my own experience, or the experiences of others. However, I do somewhat analyze why certain things were the way they were, from a healing and understanding perspective. We all come from unique upbringings and experiences, and I find the context of the human experience so incredibly fascinating. There are a million little threads that tie us to where we are today. That’s part of what I’m trying to do here.
I share this from the heart in hopes that some may relate to it, because a lot of what we’re going through is the same. It’s always the same, just in a different context. I use the word “context” often because I know that my experiences are felt as a collective – the way the human experience has manifested in my life is just one way of so, so many. I honor that journey, and yours.
I can only hope to relate to others, and inspire in the words that I share. If for nothing else, it heals me to share this in confidence with the world. Read on and remember what I’ve said above. Thank you.
Where it all began – What I thought of “spirituality” growing up
When I was young, I knew things differently. I was wise beyond my years, yet young and immature. I think children are naturally like this; I am no different. Children are closer to the purity of our souls than any adult. We take on baggage and undue stress, imprinted experiences over time. We cover ourselves in the layers of life, others helping us pack on the mud along the way. It’s a collective experience that we all go through.
This is my abridged story of packing on the mud, and finally beginning to wash it away through my healing journey.
I didn’t grow up in a religious setting. My parents were both from New Orleans and both grew up Catholic, but their experiences were very different. My dad’s family was devout and conservative, while my mom seemed to be in the church just because that’s what you did in New Orleans. She went to Catholic school most of her young life, and grew a resentment toward it over time, while my dad found comfort in it and continued going to church as a young adult.
Fast forward to my arrival on this Earth. My parents married in their 30s and 40s, and soon after had me. Parents have to make certain decisions and come to agreements about how to raise their children, and for whatever reasons, going to church was not something my parents decided to do. I can speculate as to why but it’s really not the point. This was just how it was. I was baptized Catholic, but we never attended church so this was never put into practice.
However, growing up in Southern Louisiana, the context around everything comes from Christianity. Holidays, school rules and dress codes (even at public schools), family structures, and so much more. Let’s just say that shit runs deep. And so, even being non-religious, I picked up on certain codes over my childhood and carried them with me.
I often felt “out of the loop” because we didn’t go to church. I was always unsure and confused about what people were up to in those large buildings on Sundays. I was well aware it was a huge part of the culture that I wasn’t a part of. I don’t say this with disdain; I’m okay that I didn’t go to church. But looking back, I can see I was conditioned by a lot of these experiences. With fragmented pieces of a puzzle, I formed some sort of strange perspective of religion and “spirituality” (which probably wasn’t even a word in my lexicon at the time).
“With fragmented pieces of a puzzle, I formed some sort of strange perspective of religion and ‘spirituality’”
At the time, this led me to resenting the church, people who went to it, and the concept of God. Without getting into the deeply rooted reasons a lot of people feel the same way, I’ll just say, for me, this came from a lack of understanding. And in the meantime, outside of organized religion, I had no spiritual context because I thought the only way to be a believer was to go to church on Sundays.
Occasionally, I would accompany my friends to their family churches on Sundays, and that only added to the confusion. I visited Catholic, Methodist and non-denominational churches. For a few years in the summer, I even attended a Methodist summer camp. I have great memories there, and they’re probably some of my first textbook “spiritual experiences,” but it also brought up a lot of shame that I didn’t understand the bible stories, never went to church, and didn’t have the religious background the other campers did. I had some summer camp imposter syndrome there for sure.
I’m reflecting on church because it’s relevant to religion and spirituality, which were not really topics in my immediate awareness growing up; it’s the only place I would have been exposed to spirituality in a formal sense.
Outside of that, I was always a really intuitive kid. I was wildly creative, always writing in my diary, writing songs, making up stories and playing them out with toys or outside in nature. I was wise because I was curious. At this present stage in my life, I look back and recognize that my intuition was always, inherently my spiritual connection to a higher Source, but I wouldn’t have understood that then. As a kid, I knew so little, but at the same time, I knew so much. I believe kids have an innate wisdom deep inside, perhaps just because they’re closer to where we all came from, closer to a sense of pure self. They have less human context layered on top of them (the mud, as I said).
I’ll close my childhood years with this: I don’t regret or resent this upbringing. I share this in reflection and recognition of how I became the way I am. More than anything, I am grateful for these experiences because in a way, they molded me as a blank slate to build upon spiritually later in life.
“More than anything, I am grateful for these experiences because in a way, they molded me as a blank slate to build upon spiritually later in life.”
Trial runs with religion
Let me fast forward now to college years. Within my first month at school, I was interested in trying out church. I thought, “well I’m an adult now and I make my own decisions, let’s try this. It seems to be what people do.”
I went to a Catholic church near campus with a few close girlfriends (who grew up going to church, but they were also in an exploration stage as I was). I guess to them, it was a pretty standard experience. They’d experienced it a million Sundays; they knew the drill. I remember being confused and turned off by how dignified and orderly and uncomfortable it all felt. I also remember being deterred by the sermon, although I can’t even remember the message behind it. Needless to say, I didn’t return. I’m not saying this church or the people in it were wrong, but I knew instinctively it wasn’t for me. It didn’t align with my intentions at all.
So I walked away from that not really knowing what I had been looking for in the first place, and I don’t think I touched religion again or considered anything remotely spiritual for another year at least.
Then it was sophomore year when I got into running, and ran my first half marathon. In doing that, I also discovered yoga. I went to my first class with a couple of girlfriends of mine. I didn’t know it at the time, and neither did they, but that yoga class set me on a new trajectory in my life.
My introduction to yoga and what “spirituality” could mean for me
I immediately resonated with yoga, bought a membership, kept going back (just me now, it didn’t stick for my pals and that’s okay), worked at the studio for a bit… Then I ebbed and flowed but yoga was a pretty solid constant for me through my college years.
Around the same time, I also met my partner (we are still together today), who was himself pretty spiritual and tuned in to that part of himself. While we were still only friends, he introduced me to the Buddhist temple in our city (can you believe there is a Buddhist temple in the middle of Baton Rouge, Louisiana? It’s phenomenal. What a gift to the community). They host a Friday sangha (like a meditation group; it’s very popular), and we attended a few times together.
Between this and my newfound yoga classes, I was introduced to meditation. For a while, I was really drawn into Buddhism. Looking into that online and at the library started to open me up to the larger world of spirituality.
Me and my partner, Phillip, on my birthday in 2018
This is the time in my life that the word “spirituality” began to mean more than church or religion. I found solace in yoga and Buddhist ideas, I discovered mindfulness at this time, and soaked in as much knowledge as I could about these topics. It was the first time I understood that there were other options, outside of organized religion, to be a spiritual person.
Doing it on my own & then seeking support
Throughout the remainder of my college years, a lot of my growth came from self help and spiritual books and regular yoga classes. I was doing a lot of seeking on my own.
Feeling like a solo traveler in a vast world
Fast forward again to post-graduation. It was my first year living “in the real world,” working a full time job and of course, doing more self-discovery. Early on in that year, I realized that I needed more support. In my growth journey I had come to rely on only myself, and my partner, to aid the process. I didn’t have enough emotional outlets to support my journey. I didn’t know where to find them. My partner put me in contact with a woman we both knew… she was in her 50s, and I admired her for how she carried herself with such intention, clarity and wisdom. I met with her regularly for over a year and she became a mentor figure for me.
At this time, I also started attending a community meditation group for some added “spiritual maintenance.” I won’t go into details about the program, but I’ll say this: it brought me two major things which I so desperately needed: 1) a growth-, wellness- and spiritually-minded community, and most critically, 2) a relationship with God. For the first time in my life, the word “God” didn’t leave a bad taste in my mouth. I wrestled with it until I redefined it and finally recreated my own, unique perception of a Higher Power. This is due to the support of that community and mentor, and for this, I am eternally grateful.
“For the first time in my life, the word “God” didn’t leave a bad taste in my mouth. I wrestled with it until I redefined it and finally recreated my own, unique perception of a Higher Power.””
A few other key experiences really helped me really ignite the path toward my own awakening. One of the earlier ones was an introduction to breathwork, and specifically two separate Conscious Connected Breathing workshops here in Baton Rouge. I made a video immediately after my last experience in 2018 – check it out if you want to hear more about this. These experiences opened me up to myself as a spiritual being. I always say the first one really “cracked me open” – AKA it brought up a lot of stuff. Stuff that I ended up grappling with and addressing over the year to come. This was a necessary healing journey, though, and it showed me how powerful the mind-body-spirit connection truly is.
Becoming a yoga instructor & deepening my own practice
At my Yoga Teacher Training graduation ceremony in 2019. I love this group!
Then came my 200-hour yoga teacher training (and hey, I also have a video about that experience). This opened me up to a world of possibilities in yoga, mindfulness and spirituality. I was exposed to spiritual things like altars, oracle cards and crystals, and I was so there for it.
This is not critically important in being spiritual – but until then, I didn’t even understand the concept of an altar or the first thing about crystals, oracle cards, or gods and goddesses of the yogic traditions. Now, these things aren’t “spirituality” in themselves, not at all. But this all taught me tools of reverence and ritual, and helped me establish enjoyable and fulfilling spiritual practices outside of meditation – the start of my playbook for spirituality.
And here’s what they don’t tell you about yoga teacher training: it’s not only a profound learning experience, but it’s a huge personal upheaval. At least, it was for me. It was a time of massive personal development – stripping down the layers, getting to know myself deeper, stepping into my confidence as a teacher, and grasping spiritual concepts that frankly blew my mind. Through it all, I dove deeper into yoga and meditation than I ever had before.
After I graduated from the yoga teacher training program, I spent about a year teetering around yoga and spirituality. I’m really not sure what I was up to from a spiritual sense, but it felt like cocooning. I had experienced a lot of growth in the year before, and perhaps I needed that space to recollect myself.
I think the only notable thing I got up to was Reiki 2 training, which was admittedly so over my head at the time; it was like drinking out of a firehose. I also began seeing a therapist in that year, which remains an element to my personal healing today.
Making the conscious choice to change
After some hibernation time, I became aware that a huge part of me was searching for more fulfillment. I knew there was so much out there to discover for learning, guidance and fulfillment. For quite a while, I didn’t know where to find it.
This is around the time I realized I was operating as a “solo traveler.” I was acting alone in many of these pursuits, and honestly, it was lonely. Again, the overwhelming fact that I needed support came to a head.
It’s funny how things fall into place… Not long after this realization, I decided to retreat from social media, and sort out my next steps without the clutter of others in my psyche. I remember telling myself I was stepping back, loosening the reins, and letting miracles head my way. Letting the doors open. Allowing myself to be guided to the next right thing.
“I remember telling myself I was stepping back, loosening the reins, and letting miracles head my way. Letting the doors open. Allowing myself to be guided to the next right thing.”
From the time I made this decision, things began happening very quickly.
The first door that opened was an offer to teach a yoga class at a local studio. This offer came out of (what felt like) the blue, and I took it as a sign. That was a catalyst for me to wake back up and remember what I was doing here, what I really wanted to be pursuing.
I also started tuning into energy work in a whole new way. Between my Reiki training and seeing an energy healer myself, things began to click for me. Understanding my energetic body and working with these concepts has quickly brought me to a whole new level of spiritual understanding of myself.
In search of community & connection
Yoga & friendship – it’s a good combination
I finally discovered spiritually-minded communities of women. First, it was through Sahara Rose’s Rose Gold Goddesses online community, where I came in contact with so many incredible ideas and inspiring women with a mindset of wellness and spiritual growth. I sometimes joke that I wouldn’t be spiritual without the internet. That’s inherently not true, but finding these online communities certainly has opened me up to ideas and possibilities that likely would not have crossed my radar otherwise.
This same energy of seeking community online quickly translated to finding like-minded friends in my daily life. The yoga studios in town that I’ve become most involved in have met that need. And what’s more, I have started to attract these types of people now that I am sharing this desired energy outwardly. Some of my dearest friends and I have even grown closer in this time, because we’ve learned that we were more aligned than we had even realized.
How it begins to come together…
These experiences are all little bread crumbs along the journey that have brought me further along the path… and there were many more experiences, moments, and realizations that skyrocketed me to where I am today. Most importantly, though, I have trusted myself to take the next steps.
I have trusted my intuition, my deep inner knowing, to guide my journey. I have come to rely, like never before, on my deepest desires and dreams. This is the most profound realization of my spiritual journey thus far – not that meditation can be powerful, or that crystals heal, or that any group has all the answers – no. I have come to know my innate divinity, my inner power, and the core of my being. I am now aware that this awesome Universal source of love, beingness, and connection is inside of me, just like it is inside of everyone. It is, in fact, what connects us all on a fundamental level. That is so profound, and it’s definitely to be trusted. That’s why I’ve come to honor my intuition more than ever before. And if I wasn’t already, I am now living my life with this at the forefront of my mind and heart.
“I have trusted my intuition, my deep inner knowing, to guide my journey. I have come to rely, like never before, on my deepest desires and dreams.”
So what’s next?
That’s a tricky question. This is a lifelong journey of discovery! I look forward to learning, studying and experiencing so many more beautiful things in my spiritual life. Ultimately, though, it will be about following my intuition and seeing how the path unfolds. What’s next is that I will trust whatever comes next, and that’s all I need right now.
P.S. In a way, I hope this inspires you to unpack your formative experiences and allow yourself space to honor where you’ve been, where you are, and where you’re headed. Reflecting can be healing and insightful. We don’t need to dwell in the past, but it can certainly help us better understand our present. I focused on my spiritual path here, but you can take an inventory of any facet of your life in this way. Tell yourself your own story. Then you may just be inspired enough to share it with others.
I honor you, and your journey of growth and healing.
